Time Initiating Device
by Agent Smith
Summary: An epic. Agent Smith's copied victims give it 2 thumps up. The feel-good hit of the year. A parody of Chrono Trigger, and Best Picture of the Year according to Smith Times.
1. The Adventure Begins 11one

Time Initiating Device  
  
Chapter One - The Adventure Begins!!!11one  
  
---  
  
"Crono..."  
  
"Crono!"  
  
"Wake up Crono!"  
  
Crono woke up and saw his mother... WHO WAS IN BED WITH HIM! He gasped as loud as a silent protagonist could...  
  
Crono woke up again, and saw his mother standing by his bed.  
  
Crono's Mom: That dream again? Arrgh. Maybe if you socialized a little more, you wouldn't-  
  
Crono drifted off. His mother ALWAYS said "Maybe if you socialized a little more" in response to every little problem he had. Late for school? Socialize more. Presumed dead while hiking until someone pointed out you were just trailing behind us? Socialize more. Slip on a banana peal? You guessed it.  
  
Crono's Mom: Ok Crono, the Millenium Fair is today! Even better is that the Y1K bug was a hoax!  
  
Just on que, one of Lucca's inventions runs down the road, knocking over houses and squashing people and stuff.  
  
Crono's Mom: Errr... Maybe not.  
  
Crono: (Her inventions are always like that, stupid.)  
  
Crono's Mom: I'll pretend like I didn't telepathically read that. Anyways, here's your allowance.  
  
Crono: (500 dollers? Bah, cheap bitch)  
  
Crono's Mom: I had to sell my wedding ring to afford to pay you, master.  
  
Crono: (Whatever, don't let it happen again)  
  
Crono ran outside and hopped in his 1001 Mercedes-Benz, which revolutionized the world by using steam power and coal instead of human souls like the BMW and Cadillac's do. Souls are hard to come by in Guardia these days, and they were over 3 dollars to the gallon!  
  
---  
  
At the Millenium Fair, everyone having fun with such games like 'Slave Races' or 'Pin the Poison Coated Tail on the Mystis'. Some crazy fanatics were collecting bets from other crazed fanatics over a bet on whether the world would end now, or in 999 years.  
  
Crono: (Wow, I'm going to go check out Lucca's invention. These guys are freaks)  
  
Some Guy: I've been waiting for you... Crono....  
  
Crono: (Who are you?)  
  
Melchior: I am Melchior, the Guru of.. weapons... yeah. War is bad by the way.  
  
Crono: (You are a hippy who makes weapons?)  
  
Melchior: I guess I just make them for fighting evil... Though that's bad too. Mostly I just protest King Guardia's 'War for Human Souls' that he's waging in Eyerack.  
  
Crono: (Whatever. I feel like killing someone, and I'll need a better sword than this wooden one.)  
  
Melchior: It's not the weapon that's wielded, but he who wields th-  
  
Crono: (Shut up and give me a steel sword.)  
  
Elsewhere in the Fair, Marle is running around the Leene Bell like a maniac. Crono walks up the stairs and sees her.  
  
Crono: (What are you doing?)  
  
Marle: Oh my god... It's Son Gokou with red hair!  
  
Marle runs toward him, and tries to glomp him. Instead, when she comes in contact, she goes flying back and loses her pendant.  
  
Crono: (Is this broad a missile or something?)  
  
Marle: Oh no, I lost my pendant! Help me, Son Gokou!  
  
Crono: (My name is Crono Aurielus Von Orsceisalot IIIVXX.)  
  
Marle: ...What?  
  
Crono: (Ok, I lied. It's just Crono... and your pendant is lying three feet away from you in direct sight.)  
  
Marle looks down and finds the pendant.   
  
Marle: Oooh, you found it! Thank you very much! By why don't you talk much?  
  
Crono: (I'm waiting for the right moment.)  
  
Marle: Ok, whatever. Let's go to that Lucca sideshow, I want to laugh and throw more food at her.  
  
Crono: (Um, she is my friend.)  
  
Marle: OOohh Crono... I can't HEAR you...  
  
Crono: (What did I do to deserve this...? Besides kicking a puppy, frying ants with a magnifying glass, and finding a cure for cancer but being unable to tell anyone because of my silence...)  
  
At Lucca's show...  
  
Lucca: Step right up, and enter the telepod! This amazing device not only runs on CLEAN EFFICIENT COAL POWER, but it's also an amazing feat of technology for us, considering we are somewhere between the middle ages and the not-to-distant-future!  
  
Lucca's Father: That's right! Unlike our previous invention, the 'Generic Sprite to Unique Sprite Converter', this one will actually do more than change your hair and clothing color!  
  
Marle and Crono show up.  
  
Lucca: (Damn it, nobody trusts us after Gato bit off Mike Tyson's face in a boxing match earlier... Oh wait, it's Crono!)  
  
Lucca: Hey Crono... Er... I mean... Young man in the audience with red hair and I've never met you before... Do you want to try out the telepod?  
  
Crono: *nods reluctantly*  
  
Lucca: Ok, step right in.  
  
Crono steps in the telepod. Lucca and her Father say a bunch of pseudo-technological stuff, as Crono disappears from one telepod to the other. After emerging in the other telepod, Crono grabs himself in agony.  
  
Crono: (ARRRGH, OH GOD, MY LUNGS AND CHEST AND VARIOUS VITAL ORGANS ARE IMPLOOOODDDIIINNNG...)  
  
Lucca: Uhh.. Hehe... As you can see, he's perfectly fine. Uhh, if you AREN'T FINE, please say something OUT LOUD NOW.  
  
Crono: (AHHHHHHHHHH OH GOD THE AGONY IT BURNS.... THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING! ....BESIDES PROTECT MY EYES IN CHLORINE-FILLED POOLS BUT THAT'S IT.)  
  
Marle: Oooh, that look's fun! Let me try!  
  
Marle hops in, while Lucca and her Father power up the telepod again. However, Marle's pendant starts glowing.  
  
Marle: Oh no, my pendant! Incoming plot twist!  
  
Marle suddenly disappears!  
  
Lucca: Oh jesus.  
  
Lucca's Father: None of you saw this happen. If you tell the police, you'll sleep with the fishes. Capice?  
  
The Audience nods and runs.  
  
Lucca: Crono, she left her pendant here.... I got it! You can take the pendant and follow her!  
  
Crono is being hauled away on a stretcher.  
  
Lucca: Oh, where do you think YOU'RE going? To the hospital to seek the intense medical care you so vitally need?  
  
Doctor: This kid's going to need the leeches, definately. Maybe even the POISON leeches. Or the leeches that shoot poisonous leeches from their mouths when they bark.  
  
Lucca groans and grabs Crono, gives him the pendant, and throws him in the portal.  
  
---  
  
Crono emerges from the time portal, in the middle of a forest on top of a mountain.  
  
Crono: (Well, that was unpleasant.)  
  
Suddenly, Crono is attacked by a bunch of Mystics.  
  
Crono: (Die, mongrels!)  
  
The Mystics on the mountain are easily obliterated as Crono treks down the small mountain. He winds up in a medieval village. To find some information, Crono enters a nearby tavern.  
  
Tavern Patron #1: Well, look what just breezed in through the door.  
  
Tavern Patron #2: Lookin' like a MYSTIC to me. You reckon what we do with Mystic's round here, boy?  
  
Crono: (Shut up, where the hell am I?)  
  
Tavern Patron #1: Well.. A TOUGH GUY EH, you reckon what we do with TOUGH GUYS around here?  
  
Crono: (No, what?)  
  
Tavern Patron #2: We give them ALL SORTS OF INFORMATION on the time period they've ended up in.  
  
Crono: (...Oh)  
  
Tavern Patron #1: Heh. Just kidding. *smashes a beer bottle over Crono's head*  
  
Crono gets back up and pulls out his sword. He slashes across the patron's stomach, spilling the patron's entrails, which are promptly eaten by the stray dogs in the tavern.  
  
Tavern Patron #2: Damn, he killed #1! I better run like HELL!  
  
The patron tries to run, but Crono throws his steel sword at the patron's neck, going straight through it. The patron falls dead, while Crono plucks the sword from the victim. After, Crono sits down for a drink.  
  
Bartender: Errr.. what will you have, kid?  
  
Crono: (I want to know what time period I'm in.)  
  
Bartender: You won't get a drink staring at me like that.  
  
Crono: (Bah, I'll find some information at the castle. Screw this.)  
  
Bartender: Grr, damn murderous minors. They really need to bump up the drinking age from 8 to 14.  
  
---  
  
To be continued... 


	2. Marle McFly's Dilemma

Time Initiating Device  
  
Chapter One - Marle McFly's Dilemma  
  
---  
  
In the Guardia Forest, Crono stands over about a zillion corpses of the enemies that have been on an endless barrage of fruitless attacks to the silent hero. By the time Crono reached the end of the forest, the baddies were just running toward him and laying down!  
  
Crono: (You know, for a forest around the castle of our Kingdom, you'd think they'd have at least one secure road, guarded by the military that is funded by the ridiculous taxes levied on us. Maybe I'm in the era before TAXES WERE INVENTED? WHOOO)  
  
Crono finally reached the palace gates, when he was stopped by two guards.  
  
Guard #1: Look at this kid's hair!  
  
Guard #2: Hah! Show us your stamp collection!  
  
Crono: ?  
  
Guard #1: Stamps... You know?  
  
Crono: (I was under the impression that they hadn't been invented yet.)  
  
Guard #2: Why are you sitting there silently? Oh I get it, you're a mime!  
  
Crono does some "mime" movements. Such as, reaching for his sword, and slashing the two guards.  
  
Queen: Oh my! Crono, I was supposed to call them off you!  
  
Crono: (Whatever. Who are you?)  
  
Queen: Come up to my room and I'll tell you who I am.  
  
Crono: (No matter what era I might travel too... Prostitution, the oldest career choice in the world.)  
  
---  
  
The Queen's room...  
  
Crono: (Ok, how much?)  
  
Queen: Heh, hey Crono, it's me Marle!  
  
Crono: (You mean the dense broad from earlier who 'bumped into me' like I was a quarterback on the other team? Oh well, you'll do.)  
  
Marle: Everyone here thinks I'm Queen!  
  
Crono: (Let me just get that gown off you...)  
  
Marle: Crono, are you listening to me? Wa-AHHHH!  
  
Crono: (I haven't even touched you yet, bitch.)  
  
Suddenly, in a flash of light, Marle disappears!  
  
Crono: (Grr, I was so close to actually getting laid...)  
  
Crono leaves the Queen's room, and is shocked to see some of the maids and guards watching him.  
  
Guard: Heh, how was she?  
  
Maid: Ooooh, the King's going to kill youuuu...  
  
One of the Maid's peaked inside of the room as Crono sneaked away.  
  
Maid: Wow, he screwed her so hard she was ripped from the mortal plane!  
  
---  
  
In the court of the castle...  
  
King: Hey Crono, what happened up there?  
  
Crono ran straight past him and out of the castle.  
  
King: Damn you Crono! I may be like 80 years old, but you'll never stop me from banging my teenage wife!  
  
---  
  
Crono ran and hid in some Cathedral, knowing that soon Guardia's military will be all over him like a naked Queen Zeal on Lavos.  
  
Crono: (Whew, they'll never find me in here, despite that it's the only shelter in the immediate area of the direction I just ran!)  
  
Nun: Bwahaha! Welcome to our... Church...  
  
Crono: (NUNS!)  
  
Crono slashes them all dead with his sword, when Lucca runs into the Cathedral.  
  
Lucca: Crono, you were supposed to meet me in the castle! Arrgh, stop messing up the script.  
  
Crono: (Ok, whatever. How did you get here?)  
  
Lucca: Hello? Are you listening to me?  
  
Crono: (You know I can't speak until... The right moment...)  
  
Lucca: We need to find Marle, for as she is really THE PRINCESS OF GUARDIA IN OUR TIME! You see, the real Queen Leene was captured in this time, and because they found Marle, they stopped looking for blah blah  
  
Crono: (Urge to kill... RISING...)  
  
Lucca: ...and now that Marle is dead...  
  
Crono: (....fading...)  
  
Lucca: ...but we can revive her...  
  
Crono: (...RISING....)  
  
Lucca: ...though I don't know where we can find Queen Leene...  
  
Crono: (....fading...fading...gone.)  
  
Lucca: ..Alright?  
  
Crono nods, when suddenly a NAGA-ETTE rises out of nowhere!  
  
Naga: Ohohohoho! Is that you Lina Inverse?  
  
Lucca: VILE BEAST! DIE!  
  
Lucca shoots the Naga-ette with a mysteriously ahead of times gun, but Naga dodges the bullets in a spectacle of Matrix effects.  
  
Lucca: We are screwed.  
  
Out of nowhere, a frog comes and slashes the Naga-ette dead.  
  
Crono: (Well, at least he's more handsome than Lucca.)  
  
Frog: Thine guard has been lefted down, maiden!  
  
Lucca: Ack! A talking frog! In a world where little imps kidnap Queens, robots being built by people living under monarchies, and hamburgers eat people, I'm somehow suprised!  
  
Frog: Looking for thy maiden Queen Leene, I am. Ask may I, who is thee?  
  
Lucca: I'm Lucca, he's Crono. We're from the future and we are killing people.  
  
Frog: Interesting! Frog will do, for thy monicre.  
  
Crono: (Whatever, let's find Queen Leene and leave already. We can leave Marle here too.)  
  
Frog: The spikey haired lad tis silent, is he not?  
  
Lucca: He's waiting for 'The Right Moment' or something. Whatever, we need to find Queen Leene and leave already. We can leave Marle here too.... Wait, we got too take her.  
  
Crono: (Damn it!)  
  
Crono picks up the mutilated corpse of the Naga-ette and body slams it onto a nearby church organ. It suddenly plays a crappy musical number, and a door opens out of nowhere.  
  
Frog: Tis the entrance!  
  
The party of three run into the bowels of the Church, but not before going through the stomach and small intestient, slaughtering any Naga-ettes, Grunts, Imps, Pimps, Villi, Stomach Acid, or half-digested Sea Food. Finally, they reach the back room of the church.  
  
Chancellor: Bwahaha! With me disguised as the Chancellor, I will be able to assume roughly .01% of the power of the Guardia Kingdom! And too top it off, I captured Queen Leene!  
  
Lucca: Oh my God! The Chancellor is a turn coat!  
  
Chancellor: Not exactly, you see... I am not the Chancellor... I am....  
  
Frog: Yakra?  
  
Chancellor: No... LAVOS!  
  
The chancellor turns into Lavos and slaughters the entire party barely 3 seconds into battle.  
  
Lucca: Arrrghh... Killed by a villain we haven't even discovered yet...  
  
Crono: (Damn, I'm going to die without the Right Moment coming...)  
  
Frog: Wait a tick...  
  
Frog pulls off the Lavos costume to reveal.... YAKRA!  
  
Yakra: Bwahaha! It doesn't matter, I killed you all anyways!  
  
Crono and his party get up and dust themselves off.  
  
Lucca: Made you look!  
  
Yakra: What the? NOOOO!  
  
Lucca: You aren't the real Yakra either...  
  
Lucca pulls off Yakra's costume to reveal... QUEEN LEENE!  
  
Queen Leene: Arrrgh... Ok, you got me. I have no more masks.  
  
Lucca pulls off Leene's mask to reveal... Gato! No... Mike Tyson! No wait... Crono's mom! No, not again... Illidan! Hey, wait, you aren't supposed to be here... It's really... YAKRA!?!?!?  
  
Yakra: God damn, that was a waste of time.  
  
Lucca: OH MY GOD, IT WAS YAKRA ALL ALONG!?  
  
Frog: TIS THE ULTIMATE SWERVE!  
  
Yakra: Alright, kill me already.  
  
Crono: (With pleasure.)  
  
Crono slashes Yakra accross the FACE, causing Yakra to disappear in an array of special SNES effects.  
  
Crono: (Quite an exit for the first boss of the game.)  
  
Lucca: If that wasn't the Chancellor, then where is the real Chancellor?  
  
Frog pulls off his mask to reveal the CHANCELLOR!  
  
Lucca: What the hell?  
  
Then Crono pulls off his mask to reveal QUEEN LEENE!  
  
Lucca: DAMN IT!  
  
Queen Leene: We're sorry for playing you for fools, but it was Crono's plan after all...  
  
Lucca: And how did you get such a plan from a person who never speaks?  
  
Chancellor: We had him write it down.  
  
Lucca: Arrgh, why didn't I think of that.  
  
Lucca finds two nearby treasure chests and opens them up, revealing Crono and Frog.  
  
Frog: Is that vile beast Yakra slain?  
  
Lucca: Yes, no thanks to you. Crono, what happened!?  
  
Crono: (You know I can't tell you.)  
  
Lucca: Write it down.  
  
Crono: (That'd be cheating...)  
  
Lucca: DO IT!  
  
Crono: (I have my codes of honor.)  
  
Lucca: Grrr.... Hey, Queen Leene, how'd you get him to write it down?  
  
Queen Leene: Ok, ok, I didn't.  
  
Lucca: Then WHAT HAPPENED!?!!?!?  
  
Frog: Whilst you were pulling off the amany masks of Yakra, I find thy Queen and the Chancellor behelded in the chests.  
  
Chancellor: Ok, Ok. We thought they were Magus's minions, because one was a friggin' frog, and the other was a silent Gokou lookalike with red hair... Who wouldn't want to lock these too up into darkness so that they could not unleash their horrors upon the world?  
  
Crono: (Asshole.)  
  
Crono lunges for his sword, while the Chancellor squeals and runs like hell. Everyone laughs.  
  
---  
  
At the palace...  
  
King: How can I ever repay you for saving thy kingdom, Crono?  
  
Crono points to Queen Leene.  
  
King: No.  
  
Lucca: Well, at least we stopped Magus and his troops.  
  
Frog: Stopped? The shroud of the dark side has fallen. Begun, the magus war has.  
  
King: Who the hell let this bum back in..?  
  
Frog: Foolish King, one day, my Masamune will plunge deep into thee dark heart of thine corruption!  
  
Frog runs off, while Marle appears out of nowhere.  
  
Marle: Oooh no, it was so horrible Crono! It was dark, and cold, and there was no cosmetics!  
  
Crono: (Can we get our freak on already!?)  
  
King: Be lucky you found such a handsome... young... tender... barely-through-puberty lass... *licks lips*  
  
Lucca: Arrgh, sicko.  
  
King: Oh shut up, wench, you probably don't even have a distinct sex!  
  
Lord Garithos: DID SOMEBODY SAY SEX!?!!?  
  
The sitcom audience cheers once again as Garithos makes his way into the courtroom.  
  
Lucca: Not ANOTHER one...  
  
King: Smithers, who is that man?  
  
Chancellor: Uhh, it's Garithos. You know, from the Antarctic Toilet of Warcraft 3 fame.  
  
King: Excellent.... *twindles fingers*  
  
Garithos: Anyways... I've done my service to the King well, I've killed over 300 Risen Skeletons today! All thanks to my experience in handling them!  
  
Guard: Uhh, first off, you got owned COUNTLESS times by the Undead in Warcraft 3. And besides, the only risen skeleton you've killed is the one we have chained up and sedated in the dungeon. You know, the one that comes back every time it dies... Reminds me of.. YOU...  
  
Garithos: ...yes... He managed to get me a few times too.  
  
King: Ok, whatever. You can stay, as long as you die in the most comedically ways. Crono and friends, I hereby award you with 823337983 gold-  
  
Chancellor: Uhh, they left sir.  
  
---  
  
Back in 1000 AD  
  
Lucca: Well, that was fun, but kind of pointless... Almost like it setting us up for a grander scheme of things.  
  
Crono: (I just hope my experiences in that hell hole will replace my nightmares that I've been having after walking in on you in the shower, with one of your "private" inventions.)  
  
Marle: Tweheee! I didn't get to do a damn thing! Crono, walk me home please!  
  
Crono: (May as well start on a clean slate. I mean, what's the worst that could happen if I showed up in our extreme corrupt seat of national power with one of the royal figures that I've been gone with for the past few hours?)  
  
To be continued... 


End file.
